By: Jamie Collins

In all fairness, they drove me out of the darkness to write this today. It’s totally not my fault. It’s theirs. While this one was certainly inspired by an ethics post, it most definitely is not really an ethics post. But we’ll get to that in a minute. First things first. Intro the blog post. Post a picture. Get to the point. We’re moving right along now…keep reading.

(This is Krishna and I feigning shock about the ridiculousness of today’s blog post. Sorry. Not sorry. It’s totally happening.)

On April 17, 2017, we launched The Uprising, an ethical movement for paralegals. The goal was to educate and empower paralegals on the important and often under-discussed topic of ethics. To bring it to the forefront for paralegals all across the nation. Why? Because it matters. And because there is a tiny faction of paralegals out there doing some incredibly stupid things. We see them. We now engage with them on social media. We even started a dynamic Facebook group for The Uprising. We want to end the nonsense. We will not stand for it any longer. In case you missed it, here’s that post: Welcome to The Uprising, ethical paralegals…and those who ain’t.

The image featured with that particular post was of a black high heel embellished with white polka dots. That post brought a few “fun” (using the term loosely here) folks out of the woodwork. A huge debate regarding the comfort level of said shoes ensued. (I tell no lies. Ethics post, still here to talk about ethics, hellooooo, ethics? Nope, I got nothin’.) It got me called “illiterate,” based on my clever use of the word “ain’t” in the title (yep, no clue how I’m over here running a nationally-recognized blog for paralegals; it truly boggles the mind) “sexist” (for posting an image of a *gasp* high heel with no oxford counterpart, which is apparently an Internet sin or something, I think…maybe…because heels are highly offensive footwear and should not be publicly displayed alone, ever, even if you are a woman who wears high heels and you love the hell outta some polka dots. High heels = a mortal faux pas), and that leads us to my favorite one, “folksy.” Yep, folksy. (Your folksy blogger here, bringing you the pressing ethical snippets you should read and dealing with some ridiculous nonsense that compels me to write equally ridiculous things.) Look up that term “folksy” and you’ll learn that it means “sociable and friendly.” I have no clue how I earned that adjective, which was in no way intended to be a compliment by the individual who proffered it, but yep, you guessed it, I’m totally taking it as one. I’m also taking a bow right now, as I type these words. Just ordered a t-shirt that says, “I wore some high heels, was sniped by a few critical comments, responded diplomatically, shared some ethics, and lived to blog about it.”

So here’s the deal, I—your *allegedly* illiterate, sexist, folksy (and fearless) blogger—am here today to give a warm shout out to the three paralegals on Facebook who attacked an ETHICS POST based solely upon the *gasp* dreadful image of a woman’s polka dot high heel on the banner that accompanied it. (The fashion police have not arrived yet, but I’m on the lookout, cloaked in hiding beneath my desk, and have covertly tucked a chocolate bar into my back pants pocket as some small means of self-preservation in the event they actually come to arrest me for sharing a high heel image on a public forum.)

We are here to bring ethics to the people. We’re here to educate and empower them. And these three paralegals are certainly no exception. (I know, I couldn’t believe it, either.) So today, rather than putting up an ethics post to educate and empower others, instead, I am here to address the incredibly pressing issue raised by those three paralegals regarding…wait for it…the comfort level of one’s footwear. I mean, that’s apparently, what’s really important here. Who wants to focus on or talk about the important topic of ethics—and what we should and should not be doing, as proud paralegals—when, instead, we can talk about riveting issues, like shoes. I stand with you, my three-footwear-impassioned-ridiculous-adjective-slinging- issue-avoiding-para-counterparts-who-love-to-talk-about-everything-that-doesn’t-involve-the-actual-issue-commentators—I am SO with you. Today is YOUR day. And this is YOUR post. I’m here to give the paralegals what they demand. And if footwear is the biggest thing on your personal radar pertaining to ethics, well, here goes…

Now, this is going to be HIGHLY controversial, but we’re going to start things off with these because I believe in living my life out loud:

Oh. My. Goodness. (I’m still hiding under my desk gripped in terror. I’m really upping the ante now. Please tell my son that I loved him…) These. Shoes. Are. Glorious. They just scream “fun,” right along with “dang, her feet are probably killing her right now.” On both points, you would be entirely correct. (Just to clear that up.) I truly hope I have not offended anyone by sharing this image of me, the fearless Uprising founder, wearing these power dot heels in celebration of “the movement.” The one about ethics. No, you don’t have to wear the dot heels to be ethical. Yes, you do need to play nice with others who might happen to be wearing dot heels and leading rebellions, or you MAY end up in a blog post. I’m just saying.

Aesthetics: Off. The. Charts.
Comfort: -5
Enough said.

Next, we’ll move on to these: 

I must say, I feel super ethical when wearing these sandals I purchased in New York City, in case anyone is wondering (especially, people who comment on ethical posts on Facebook about the comfort level of a person’s shoes or an utter lack thereof). If you wear these shoes, you will look fantastic. You will also hobble. A lot. It’s a bit like walking on stilts. (I tell no lies.) I have no idea who decided women should have heels on their shoes that are 4+ inches tall. This is idiotic. But it looks terrific. This purchase clearly made me an active participant in refined-stilt-walking-while-looking-fabulous uprising. (Would a Footwear Uprising work better for you? Perhaps, a high heel revolt? Do tell…)

Aesthetics: 10
Comfort: -15

On to the next pair, ethical people: 

Now, if you need to outrun a felon…or an esquire, THESE are the shoes for YOU. (Can I get a legal “amen” and $19.99 to buy another pair at Payless?!) Not that I’ve ever managed to actually outrun an esquire. The attorneys do this thing where they make your cell phone ring, repeatedly. Ring, ring, ring. Ring, ring, ring. And then, there is the texting. The driveway appearance…(okay, I’m totally kidding on that one, but the career remains actively ongoing, so…). I still don’t have the whole “paralegal escape” thing down to a science. But know this: If you cannot wear (or are completely offended by) the *allegedly sexist* high heels, these shoes are for you! Yes, you. (I currently find myself wondering if one would call a banner boasting THESE particular shoes sexist? One thinks probably NOT. The shoe-judging-banner-jury is still out.) You will run fast and free in these shoes. I am telling you.

Aesthetics: A solid 7
Comfort: 194 out of 10

Moving on to the friends I stalked via cell phone to gather additional photos for today’s fabulous ETHICAL SHOES montage, we move on to our next model, Tracey:

Tracey is wearing a lovely chunky heeled boot in an ultra-desirable shade of black. Not only does Tracey feel EXTREMELY ETHICAL wearing these shoes, she can walk, and even run, like an award-winning paralegal sprinter at 4:59 on a Friday. (Rumor has it, you can stand for HOURS at an outdoor event in downtown Indianapolis in these shoes, remaining entirely ethical the entire dang time, and live to tell the tale, with no lower extremity discomfort.) The paralegals are raving about these bad boys.

Aesthetics: 6.5
Comfort: 10

And that brings us to Man Land (because we are *NOT* actually sexist):

Our next model, Joe, really likes these oxfords. They look great for an epic paralegal day in the office. Not only are they comfortable, but Joe feels so great in these shoes, he could actually join an ethics movement. A full-on Upriser, that one. He could even send pictures to the fearless blogger for posting, while looking like the consummate professional the entire while. (Ethics. They’re happening. Shoes. They’re walking. I don’t think anyone has any idea what’s going on right now, yet, we’re still all reading along.) I can’t seem to stop myself…the words, they type. The people, they read. It is a blessing. It is a curse. We’re all still moving along here at a clipped pace toward what’s next to come.

Aesthetics: 9.5
Comfort: 10

What’s this? Is that another pair of shoes for the fellas? Why, yes. It is. For casual day, y’all. (Clearly, today’s blogger has a few male paralegal friends on speed dial and is not above momentarily stalking them, via groveling text messages, to inquire about being semi-famously featured in a pictorial debut of ethical footwear.) Moving on…

Now these shoes, modeled by Rob, are fantastic for that fun day when a paralegal finds himself or herself moving boxes and running around like a crazy person. Also, great for business casual day, in the event your esquires welcome the tennis shoes. I know not all of you get the immense privilege of wearing casual (yet also, ENTIRELY ETHICAL) footwear, but for some walking among us, the dream is real. Wear these shoes and you’ll be one happy box-lugging paralegal.

Aesthetics: 5.5 (based upon wear)
Comfort: 10+

And lastly, we have this pretty little number:

 

Ladies (and green lovers) of the world unite! Look at those heels. You already know what I’m going to say about this pair. In the event you wish to look ridiculously cute, wear dem shoes. In the event you want to actually be able to walk sans blisters and not be hobbling for three straights days after the fierceness fest, these are NOT the ones for you. We aren’t clear what the correlation is between green heels *oh my gosh, heels, I just said it again* and ethics, but apparently, there must be one. Nicole is ethical and she rocks these shoes like she’s on a runway…of ethics…looking all ethical and fabulous…and green. Like a high heel wearing BOSS.

Aesthetics: 10+
Comfort: Are you joking?

We want all of the ethical paralegals out there to know that here at The Paralegal Society and The Uprising, we support all types of footwear. High. Low. Lace-up. Slide-on. Comfortable. Soul-killing. We hope you all found today’s post to be incredibly insightful and are now able to focus on more important things — like ethics. (May the focusing odds be ever in your favor.)

We are THE UPRISING. The whisper, the voice, the echo, the movement.
And no matter what shoes we choose to rock – Know this: We’ll be keeping it ethical.
#ParalegalsRise
#TheUprising

Bye-bye, TPSers and fearless (heeled or non-heeled) Members of The Uprising. We’ll see you again soon with a REAL ethics post. ‘Cause this wasn’t it. In the meantime, we sure hope this ridiculous post was sufficient to satisfy the pressing footwear concerns presented to us on social media by the trio regarding an ETHICS POST. Um, yeah, it was about ETHICS. Up with ethics! Until next time, keep it ethical. And rock those POWER DOTS! We love it when you do.

Join us on Facebook at The Uprising!

Paralegals, Out.

_____

Again, totally not my fault. I plead insanity. They drove me to it. (The esquires AND the crazy people.) 

If you got a chuckle out of today’s post, share the fun. Hit that comment button or pass it along to your circle of people. Nothing would make a crazy blogger girl happier.

Now, go get ’em. Loud and proud, y’all! And highly ethical.