WARNING: This post contains profanity, swear words, curse words, and other offensive words that may be off-putting to people who are politically correct, super-duper professional, non-swearing folk, those who are easily agitated by content containing cuss words, or don’t find swearing the least bit funny. If profanity offends you—close this post. If you have never uttered a single swear word under your breath in any given work day—close this post. If the attorneys for whom you work have never, ever, ever, ever bellowed a curse word aloud in your paralegal presence during your career—close this post. If you are offended by swear words altogether—close this post. And if you would like to complain about the content contained within this post, please direct your comments to: We. Don’t. Care. Dot. Com. (Because seriously—we don’t.) You have been warned.  

I must admit that when I first started this blog, I wondered whether it would affect my ability to secure gainful employment (read: sought after, high-paying paralegal gigs for fun, reputable attorneys in town) moving forward in my career. The answer is no! It appears to be quite the opposite, actually. Not only do the esquired folk seem to be okay with my semi-crazy posts and refreshingly honest rantings, they encourage them. Besides, let’s be real—I do work for the trial lawyers. Have you met them? They are fun, dynamic, witty, and pretty darn charismatic people, who enjoy a good laugh and may or may not be known to say a swear word or twenty-two from time to time. So today I’m dancing way out onto the blogging ledge in honor of our communal sanity. To all of the hard-working, hilarious, fun people slinging paper in legal: This one’s for you. 

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THE PC PROBLEMS SECTION: 

To kick things off, let’s start by giving a big, warm, heartfelt shout out to the idiot who came up with the super special blue screen below. The guy or who actually thought it would be a GOOD idea. See:”Epic failure” in the dictionary. (Scroll down to take a peek at it, peeps.)  I’m pretty sure you can’t read the words on that blue screen without using some type of a sing-song baby voice, because it is absolutely moronic and defies all sanity. The emoticon makes me want to kill people. Namely, individuals who design screens of death featuring sideways sad faces on blue screens.

Imagine you are working away during the 8-5, then you get this screen. You are typing away, then this. Yep, take a closer look. Imagine it. All your work may be gone. Forever. You cannot access it. Wave bah-bye to your project. Your boss is now freaking the hell out, as are you, over some deadline or the motion you were in the midst of typing. Then you get this screen. (Sad face). A+ on the calming blue color, and the only redeeming quality, but I sincerely hope the nameless, blue screen designing idiot has not been stoned to death by Windows users during what can only be described as Upgrademegeddon 10. Did you really think people would find the emoticon above to be cute? Really? Please pull your head out of your ass, buddy. Seriously. Not only is this the scathing opposite of cute, but it tends to make us paralegal folk want to pick those expensive machines up off of our desks and throw them. It. Is. Not. Good. We’ll chalk it up to creativity gone wrong. Way wrong.

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So what happens after the Blue Screen of Death, you ask? Great question! Things progress along nicely to what is now referred to in respectable paralegal circles as the “Black Screen of Death.” The caption for the picture below goes a little something like this: WTF. (No, seriously, WTFF…) THIS is what happens when you upgrade to the new, hypothetically-claimed-latest-and-greatest Windows 10 on an “unnew” computer. And by “unnew” I don’t mean old; I just mean that the damn thing didn’t come loaded standard with Windows 10. No part of this is amusing, people, I assure you. And in case you were wondering how long TBSOD lasts, oh so conveniently, it’s only about an hour and a half. Yes, it’s true. No biggie when you’ve got an esquire perched over your desk, asking you every 3 seconds if “it’s back up yet?” Hell no, it’s not! Please hang your heads in a univeral WTFF moment to pay homage to the Windows Gods. The ones who should now serve as tribute in the legal games. While it now seems Windows has worked out the bugs, TBSOD provided weeks of fun for yours truly. And by weeks of fun, I am here to tell you it’s a good thing my office windows do not open. I knew there was a reason for that. Smart esquires. Smart, indeed. Well-played, Mr. Office Picker Outer. Well-played.

In case you’re keeping score, its:

Paralegals – 0
Attorneys who leased windowed (in more ways than one) barless prisons: 1

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And THIS is what happens next.

Wow. Very comforting, indeed. So reassuring. Thank you, Bill Gates. Never have I felt more calm, relaxed, and happy then when seated in front of these screens for HOURS of my work life. And NEVER had I said such an extensive string of expletives (most of them mentally) that would make even Amy Schumer blush 50 shades of pink. Ever. (I mean, how many swear words can one creatively say in just an hour and a half?! 32,951, in case anyone is counting.)

Moving on…

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You ever noticed how there are ALWAYS enough deadlines to go around in legal? Definitely NO shortage there. Ever. Call it a curse…

Our bosses and Oprah just want us to be happy. Really. Job security at its finest hour. Plus you. It’s grand.

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I have spent many a day attempting to save (and not kill) people in the legal trenches, realizing full well that I am nothing short of a legal gladiator on certain days from helllooo, my paralegal friends. I’m pretty sure we all are…

Accurate? We think so. We just call it like we see it. It feels more refreshing that way, don’t you think?

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Do you like to drink wine? Me, too! We’re all about encouraging fun crafts and bonding experiences here at TPS. Here’s the best idea we’ve seen yet – paralegal hands DOWN. Imagine it in your home. In your office. Or in your home office. In the break room. In your back yard. In the back seat of your car. Who cares where you put it? It is AWESOME!

Cheers! I’m pretty sure “No Domestic Diva” is our new hero. (I wonder if she’ll let us join her in the clubhouse? Paid admission, maybe? I am so down.)

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THE “BOSS FROM HELL TODAY” SECTION:
(Not that any of us would know a THING about THAT.)

You always gotta love it when they tell you how long they THINK it will take for a paralegal to complete a project they have NEVER completed a single day in their lives. Yep. You know, the ol’, “This should only take you 5 minutes.” Ha. That is seriously laughable. Every. Single. Time. It’s the events good stuff are made of. We. Love. It. How we have worked in legal for this long without managing to kill people, I do not know. It truly is a mystery. Someone please call Unsolved Mysteries immediately, we have a show to pitch…

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Below is what it looks like when you piss your paralegal off for the day. Perhaps she spent the whole day “hangry” because she was working tirelessly (and breaklessly) on an important project that had to be done by a hungry soul who worked through lunch. Or maybe you knew she needed to leave the office at a certain time that day and made the “just real quick” approach at 5 until her planned departure with that fabulous last minute project that just HAD to be done. Or maybe, just maybe, you were acting a wee bit like a jackass. (Crazy, we know. heh.) In the event any one of these things (or an exhaustive list of others ) occurred, THIS is what you’ll see the rest of the day, Mr. Boss Man:

We present to you Exhibit A:
The Pissed Off Paralegal

We highly recommend letting her leave early or bribing her with a Starbucks drink. Prada handbag. A gift card to White House Black Market. The day off. Your resignation. All in our expert opinion, of course…

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No additional commentary needed. Just THIS:

(Actually, we’re pretty darn sure this is definitely a sure way that you, as a boss, end up in the meme featured above. Dead man walking for at least 5 hours straight. Maybe longer. The paralegal death stare. It happens.)

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THE ANNOYING CO-WORKER SECTION:

You remember the Dark Clouds a/k/a those pesky Keepers of the Misery we all know and don’t love? Yep, they’re out there. In droves; in law firms all across America, and beyond. Taunting us. Making our work lives suck. Draining every ounce of pleasantness out of a law firm for all those who surround them. The struggle is real. We hereby dedicate the picture below to EVERY paralegal out there with a Dark Cloud a/k/a Keeper of the Misery, past or present:

Yep.
We’re. Just. Saying. Even the attorneys wonder.

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And then there’s this one, for those days when you SWEAR you cannot explain one more thing, to one more person, one more time, or you are going to lose your shit.

No, that doesn’t really work. And no, you don’t really get to say it to anyone. At least not out loud. Train on, paralegal soldiers. Train on. Your Dumb Ass Whisperer badge is on the way. Get your lapel ready…

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Below is a depiction on how to survive working with stupid people. Yep. That. Consider it a crash course on living in legal made easier. Well, at least easier for the stupid people, anyway. Us? Not so much.

Let’s practice: Okay, great! (See how easy that was. Rolls right off. You’ll be a pro by the end of the hour.)

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And lastly, that moment when you realize you seriously thought it was Friday all damn day, but you were dead wrong; it’s not. Seriously sucks. Bad. An epic failure in weekend prediction, my friend. You. Lose.

It’s a good thing we are masters of pulling it all together, handling things in the clutch, and saving the sanity of ourselves and those around us on the daily, peeps. I’m pretty sure we’re all unmasked super-heroes, sans capes……in waiting. As in “waiting on a margarita or the next arrival of a Friday.” Woot, woot! Yep, that’s us. Steadfast ninjas, at your service. Unless it’s Friday at 5:00, in which case, we’ll see you on Monday, suckas!

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And my favorite one:

Yep. What he said.

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Have I officially lost my mind? It’s time to do the BIG reveal – did you enjoy today’s post? Did the risk pay off? If so, do tell by liking it, sharing it, or leaving a comment, all of which shall only serve to further fuel the fearless founder’s future ridiculousness. (Believe. It.) At a minimum, forward it via email to those paralegal souls whom you know in need of a laugh, or even send a private message to me at: jamietheparalegal@yahoo.com.

And to those peeps who found a little stress relief here on the big screen today, you’re welcome. We’re totally with you. We are you. Enough laughing. Get back to work! And be sure to mumble those choice words…oh so quietly.