Courts

John Oliver Tries To Tempt Clarence Thomas Into Retirement Offering Millions, Sweet Ride

It's not going to work, but one can dream!

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John Oliver LF

John Oliver (Photo via YouTube screenshot)

A cottage industry has developed just for talking about Clarence Thomas and all the ethical messes he’s made. Just think of all the scandals we learned about in 2023 alone! The deluge of bad press began when ProPublica uncovered evidence that the senior Supreme Court justice took hundreds of thousands of dollars in undisclosed gifts. Then we learned that Thomas had wealthy buddies cover private school tuition for his family on his behalf, provide his mother rent-free housing, funnel money from a right-wing advocacy group to his wife under the table, and buy him an RV.

Phew! It is a lot. But lifetime appointments mean never having to say you’re sorry — and modern hyper-partisan politics make it virtually impossible to remove  someone from office. Sure, there’s been some effort to make it look like something is being done about the rot on the Court. But, ultimately, it’s been a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Enter John Oliver.

On the most recent episode of his show, Oliver proposes a solution to the SCOTUS ethics quandary Thomas has created (while other justices have their ethical foibles, by far the most egregious have been by Thomas). And Oliver is trying to fix the issue the same way it was created — by throwing boatloads of money at the problem. Or maybe I should say luxury RV-loads of money.

That’s right, Oliver is offering Thomas $1 million per year plus a $2+ million RV just to retire. Oliver made the pitch directly to the justice:

“Lot on your plate right now. From stripping away women’s rights to hearing January 6th cases, you definitely shouldn’t be hearing two potentially helping rollback decades of federal regulations.”

“And you deserve a break, you know, away from the meanness of Washington so you can be surrounded by the regular folks whose lives you made demonstrably worse for decades. Now. The good news is, I think we can help you with that because since your favorite mode of travel might be in need of an upgrade, we are excited to offer you this brand new top-of-the-line cray boat marathon motor coach!”

“I think you’re thinking, what would my friend say if I take this offer? Will they judge me as they sit in their boardrooms and mega yachts and Hitler shrines? Will they still treat me to luxury vacations and sing songs about me off their phones? Well, that’s the beauty of friendship, Clarence. If they’re real friends, they’ll love you no matter what your job is. So I guess this might be the perfect way to find out who your real friends actually are. ”

“So that’s the offer. $1 million a year, Clarence. And a brand new condo on wheels. And all you have to do to return is sign the contract and get the fuck off the Supreme Court. Talk it over with your totally best friend in the whole world. Because the clock starts now. Thirty days, Clarence. Let’s do this!”

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You can watch the bit here.

Kathryn Rubino is a Senior Editor at Above the Law, host of The Jabot podcast, and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. AtL tipsters are the best, so please connect with her. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments and follow her on Twitter @Kathryn1 or Mastodon @Kathryn1@mastodon.social.

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