Government

Michigan Attorney General Is Who We Want To Party With

It's OK, if we had to deal with the Kraken suits, we'd need a drink too.

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Michigan AG Dana Nessel having a rough day at the hands of Sparty and vodka.

The good news for Dana Nessel’s wife is the Michigan Attorney General is apparently a cheap date.

After hitting a tailgate before the Michigan-Michigan State game last month, Nessel got blitzed and had to be taken from the stadium in a wheelchair. But despite requests from her nervous nellie staffers, Nessel didn’t respond by hiring a crisis management firm and just went ahead and admitted in public that she’s a totally normal person.

Before the big game, I attended a tailgate on an empty stomach. Much to my surprise, MSU tailgate’s tend to have more alcohol than food, so I thought it seemed like a good idea to eat 2 Bloody Mary’s, since as long as you put enough vegetables in them, it’s practically a salad. As it turned out, this was not a brilliant idea. Also, I might be a terrible bartender.

Well, as listeners to the Above the Law podcast know, you go to law school to become a lawyer, not a bartender. But seriously… TWO? Frankly the admission that she’s a lightweight might be more politically damaging in Michigan than getting carted out of the stadium. In Wisconsin, such an admission would trigger immediate impeachment.

I proceeded to go to the game (which I’m told Michigan definitely won!) and started to feel ill. I laid low for a while, but my friends recommended that I leave so as to prevent me from vomiting on any of my constituents (polling consistently shows “Roman showers” to be unpopular among most demographics).

Not to dismiss the Bloody Marys, but that illness could easily have been Kenneth Walker III running at will against the Wolverine defense. I mean, if I were a Michigan fan that game would’ve driven me to drink. Is “Roman Showers” a regional colloquialism? Because that’s fantastic. Though vomitoriums were not actually places where Romans would binge and purge, but stadium exits, so in a sense Nessel ended up in the vomitorium that day anyway.

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I had a few folks help me up the stairs and someone grabbed a wheelchair so as to prevent me from stumbling in the parking lot. Like all smart people attending festivities where drinking occurs, I had a designated driver. I went home, fell asleep on the couch, and my wife threw some blankets on me and provided me with some water and Tylenol for what she knew would be a skull-crushing hangover the next day. (Best wife ever!)

So despite getting drunk, her decision to bring a designated driver meant she was able to get home without killing anybody… unlike some state attorneys general.

From now on, I pledge never to drink on an empty stomach, and definitely never to have another Bloody Mary. Cause it’s gonna take a while to get that taste out of my mouth.

Sorry to all the people who have supported me for letting you down. I will try to do better.

Even though absolutely none of this required an apology of any kind, the Facebook comments are a cesspool of partisan pearl-clutchers acting like the greatest affront in the history of Michigan government is a woman getting drunk at a football game as opposed to, I don’t know, the former administration literally poisoning a whole town.

Get over yourselves. The woman is allowed to attend a football game and enjoy herself on her day off before heading back to the office to drop anvils on nonsense conspiracy theory lawsuits.

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Though, next time, maybe try beer or something.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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